Talking with Your Pre-Teen Son About Porn: 6 Talking Points + Do's and Don't's

A few months ago, I had a young dad come to me who has a 10-year-old son. The son is a 5th grader who attends my church almost every Sunday.

This dad is a godly dad who leads his family well and is a good example for his son.

However, after choosing to give his son a cell phone for his 10th birthday, he realized that he might have made a mistake.

It was only a few short weeks before he caught his son looking at porn on his new device. This dad was extremely disappointed in his son, took the phone, and disciplined the young boy for the exploring such websites. The dad and mom realized that to help their son they needed some advice.

When I was approached by the dad about what had happened, I prayed with him and asked if I could take a day to do a little research before I gave them some helpful steps. He agreed.

Being a Pastor of Families for many years has equipped me to handle situations like this. One of the things I’ve learned is to first bring hope and calm to the situations involving families.

Secondly, I seek to deliver on every promise as quickly as possible. A great resource for me has always been the Focus on the Family website. After thinking through the situation and researching several articles, I shared the following thoughts with this dad:

FIRST:

We must realize that we can’t expect young children to responsibly handle something as powerful as the internet when even adults struggle. Kids are just not equipped. Placing a device such as a cell phone with full access to the internet is just not going to end well.

SECOND:

As our kids grow and mature, they need constant guidance and guidelines, especially when it comes to cell phone and internet use.

Below are 6 talking points that I suggested for the dad to cover with his son, taken from an article from the Focus on the Family Website written in 2018 by author Dr. Daniel Huerta, who serves as Vice President of Parenting for Focus on the Family.

Before you begin, here are the keys:

• Seek to offer both Truth and Grace in your conversation:

• Help your son face the truth that looking at pornography is wrong for anyone.

• Then together, establish a positive path forward from a Biblical perspective.

1. Pornography is not just looking naked pictures.  

It may start with pictures, but it quickly proceeds to your mind. From there comes

mental images, sexual jokes, and even looking upon the opposite sex in new ways.

2. God has given us a brain that can change and be changed. 

Pornography literally rewires the brain, desensitizing and altering his personality. 

Humans are wired to respond to pleasure.

3. Choices create direction.

It’s nearly impossible to erase sexually explicit images from the brain. It wants more and more.  One cannot press “erase” in their brain.  Read about the life of Solomon, Ruth, Samson and Daniel.  Choices made a lot of difference in how their stories played out.     

4. Freedom is lost, not gained when pornography is present.

Anyone who looks at porn begins to lose his first freedom—the ability to think—because the chemical brain reactions take over. Pornography does not make you more grown up; it actually stunts maturity.  

5. Forgiveness is readily available.

Take some time to look us some scripture passages that deal with sexual sin and then talk with your child about real repentance, seeking forgiveness, and a God honoring path forward.

6. Don't burn the bridge.

Re-establish clear guidelines and leave the door open for further discussions in the future.

Here are a few Do's and Don’ts:

Do

• Pray that God will lead the conversation.

• Check your emotions before you talk

• Ask questions to understand what is going on and what has driven the desire for this.

• Assure your child that you are on their side and want the very best for them, which includes filters on the devices and limits. 

• Talk openly about healthy sexuality and set a vision toward great sex in marriage.

• Pray with them for their freedom to love and have clear vision to be able to find

• and love a spouse, if that is in their future.

• Help them see that this is only one component of three major parts of a loving relationship. The three components are commitment, passion and intimacy.

• Passion is usually the first and easiest.

• Help your child understand that God created attraction for relationship and not consumption. One gives life and the other takes life.

Don’t 

• Panic

• Lecture

• Shame

• Raise your voice or scream– Anger does not help. It creates more isolation and disconnection.

Final Thoughts:

Read Isaiah 26 together and discuss what it means to have perfect peace. Is there peacefulness in the world of pornography? Consider this: Why did Job in Job 33 make a covenant with his eyes?  There wasn’t internet then, so what does that tell us about the wiring of our minds?

As you move forward in this process be willing to seek advice from pastors, counselors, and even from other parents who you trust. Seeking wisdom from the Holy Spirit through scripture and prayer should always be your first stop on this journey we call parenting.

Ric Callahan

Pastor of Families