Why You Should Never Punish Your Children: The Power of Discipline

Oftentimes, these two words (discipline and punishment) are used interchangeably as if they mean the same thing. However, they are very independent of one another with different motives, different applications and different outcomes.

A Deeper Look at Punishment

Breaking down the differences, we find that punishment demands retribution for a wrong that has been committed (payback if you will).

Punishment is used to make the offended feel better (revenge) where discipline is used to improve the offender and help them to become better and stronger. While the goal or desired outcome of punishment may be honorable, it can often cause ill feelings from the offender.

It may also invoke a sense of anger/frustration in the punishment and the fact that they got caught, instead of correcting the behavior. Parentally speaking, punishment can instill a sense of fear that goes beyond a healthy feeling of respect.

The danger in this is that a child's sense of trust in you as a parent will begin to erode, which can lead to many negative outcomes. Punishment by design is meant to demean, diminish, and put down, where discipline is used to instill real confidence, build self-esteem and foster good character and healthy independence.

The Time My Dad Taught Us to Lie

My younger brother and I used to bathe together as children. Needless to say, bath time often turned into play time. One particular time, we were throwing a wet washcloth up to the ceiling to see how long it would stick. Caught up totally in our game, we were oblivious to the mess that we had created. Our dad came in and asked “who made this mess”? We admitted our mistake, but were punished for our actions, unable to sit down for a while I'm sure!

Fast forward two weeks and the same scenario accrued. This time when our dad asked “who made this mess” we pointed at each other! Punishment had taught us something totally different than what our dad had intended.

Our dad has shared this story many times as “the time I taught you to lie.” The unintentional consequences of punishment encouraged more bad behavior with potentially worse consequences (lying).

Discipline: Why It’s The Better Choice

Discipline on the other hand is applied to help you to see the consequences of your actions and how they can hurt you. If our dad had made us clean up our mess, straighten up the entire bathroom, wash the towels and clean the floors, we would have seen how our actions had created extra work.

Discipline helps you to understand that positive actions help while negative actions hurt. Discipline, when put into practice, will help you become better, stronger and eventually more independent.

One of my earliest memories of discipline, I was around four years old with my dad at a convenience store. While he was paying for the cashier for gas, my eyes were mesmerized by the tempting goodies that were deviously placed at eye level of a little guy. I couldn't resist and grabbed a few treats and put them in my pocket.

As we were pulling out onto the road, I took the candy out of my pocket only to hear my dad’s voice say “Where did you get that?” He immediately turned the car around, pulled into a parking spot and marched me back into the store and had me apologize to the clerk and return the candy.

I don't remember any punishment, but I never forgot the lesson and the discipline that my dad taught me by having me correct the mistake that I made! Thank you dad! Discipline is about creating “right” habits of behavior that are beneficial for the one going through it.

Military discipline is in place to save lives! It supports “WE” before “ME”. While the individual is important, the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. All successful athletic coaches have a level, or standard of discipline that everyone involved in the program must adhere to. These disciplines help create a positive culture that is beneficial to ALL involved.

Punishment is fueled by wrath, while discipline is fueled by love! In disciplining our children, I wanted to lay the foundation of love and trust so that they knew they could always approach me. This is the same love that God has shown us in his grace through Jesus Christ. I want them to know that my love for them is unconditional!

“For the Lord disciplines the ones He loves.” Hebrews 12:16

Article by Barry Ryan

Contributing Writer

That's My Dad Project