There’s no way she could actually think she was right on this.
That thought continued to run through my mind like a long distance runner. As much as I wanted to shake it, I could not outrun my belief that I was right and Erin was wrong.
A Small Group Disaster
Erin, my wife of 11 years at the time, and I were leading our first small group together through our church. This was something we had been looking forward to for years. We even designed the house we recently built with hosting small groups in mind.
So when Erin and I found ourselves in a massive disagreement about how to address a recent situation in the group it came as a shock to both of us. Not that we expected everything to run smoothly, but we were surprised by the distance that existed between us in how we each felt best to handle the situation. And it seemed with each passing day the distance between us grew. By day three it felt like we were getting close to a bridge that was too far to cross.
After work on day three, once the kids were in bed, I excused myself to the back porch for the stated purposed of studying for a Bible study I had the next morning. The real purpose was to try and distance myself from Erin. Maybe the negative emotions between us would not be able to grow if a wall of sheetrock, brick and wood stood between us.
About 15 minutes into my attempted escape Erin walked out to try and see if we could find common ground. If she was offering an olive branch I quickly decided it would be better to break it and toss it on the fire of my emotions. After she stormed back into the house angry and hurt from my continued insistence on being right, I sat alone feeling as dark on the inside as the darkness that surrounded me.
Sitting there alone, I looked down at my Bible and realized studying for a small group the next day seemed like I would almost be sinning with such anger in my heart. Acknowledging I had exhausted most of my prebuilt ideas around how to convince Erin I was right and she was wrong I decided maybe I could ask the Lord to help her see the error of her ways.
Bowing my head, I started my prayer with an embarrassing level of self righteousness. However, the Lord was not willing to allow me to stay there very long. After just a few minutes, I could feel the Lord softening my heart. As my heart changed, so did my prayer. I found myself honestly asking the Lord, “What should I do Lord? I do not want to feel this way toward my wife but I just don’t understand why she sees this situation the way she does. I need your help.”
In the most gently way, almost as if words were passing by on the wind, I heard in my spirit, “You can fight to be right or you can fight to be reconciled, and you get to chose which you will fight for.” Those whispers on the wind brought a clarity to me I had not felt in three days. My beliefs on the situation did not change, but the motivation for what I was trying to accomplish did.
Opening my eyes I looked out on the dark night and found it to be a little less dark. I realized that the wall of sheetrock, brick and wood were actually having the opposite effect on my negative emotions. They were not stopping the growth, but rather adding to it.
With that, I knew what to do. I stood up and walked inside. Finding Erin standing at the sink whipping away water not from a dish but from her face moved my emotions in a different direction. They moved toward her and not away. I looked at her and said some of the simplest and hardest words to say. “Erin, I am sorry for how I have handled our disagreement.”
I would like to say that she melted into my arms, confessed that she was wrong and I was right and we went immediately to bed and enjoyed a restful nights sleep. But I can’t tell you that because I would feel bad for lying to you. What I can tell you is that she looked at me with a softness I hadn’t seen in three days and said “thank you.”
Reconciliation Was The Best Choice
While Erin and I did not resolve our differences that night, what I can tell you is that we have lead many more small groups since that night. And while I still hold a little belief that what I “thought was right” was right, it is not with such a tight grip that I can not see Erin’s side.
None of us are going to stop believing we are right on things, nor should we, but maybe if we adjusted our motivation for what we are fighting for we might find not just different outcomes, but new perspectives going forward.
Final Takeaways
Since this experience, I have tried to not just incorporate this into my relationship with Erin, but ever other relationship I have. In doing so, I have noticed a few things:
My relationships are healthier when I am not solely focused on trying to move the other person to my way of seeing a situation.
I have personally grown more through looking at situations through another’s experiences.
In most cases, the outcomes have been better because an environment is created where both parties are more comfortable finding common ground.
And finally, I sleep better at night……..
God was reconciling the world to Himself in Christ, not counting peoples sins against them.
2 Corinthians 5:19
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